HURRAY!!! MY WIFE IS DYING!

 What on earth could make a man shout so ecstatically on hearing that his wife was dying? Find out!

My name is Promise and I hail from the South South Geopolitical Zone of Nigeria. I’ve been married for fifteen miserable years. Before I went into the institution, my idea of marriage was that of love and happiness. Rather than enjoy life with my wife, I had been forced to endure strife.

I am so happy today that I feel like ejaculating. I feel like running out to the streets and screaming hip-hip-hurray, like a boy who’s been presented with his dream toy. The cause of my ecstasy is however different and would shock you. I’m happy because my wife, Mimi is dying. She’s dying of what the doctor term a ‘strange ailment’. Strange to them ha-ha, but not to me. She needs a blood transfusion, she needs an organ transplant, she needs this, and she needs that. But the good news is that she’s dying! She’s rotting away and in pain. Serves her right!  

You’ll hate me by now or be wondering if I’m nuts. If you think I’ve flipped completely or have sadistic tendencies, then see how you’ll feel after hearing my story.

I married Mimi 15 years ago. We met at a night club where my friends and I went to have fun. One thing led to another and Mimi took me to her home. I was slightly drunk and not thinking straight. I just knew Mimi was exceedingly beautiful and I had a hard-on. She lived in a ramshackle apartment but I didn’t mind. I parked my car carelessly outside and we went into her house where she fed me before expertly making love to me.

Two days later, I couldn’t think straight. Mimi was in my brain. I saw her face everywhere. In my food, in my mind, in my office, everywhere. I was just obsessed. I felt like if I didn’t see her and make love to her, I’ll die.

The next week, she moved in with me and so began our marriage. No dowry, no bride price, no wedding, just a big party which my friends and family boycotted. My friends couldn’t believe I’ll stoop so low to marry a girl I picked from a night club. I told Mimi about my friends’ resentment to our relationship and she told me to avoid them.

“They are bad friends darling. They don’t want you to be happy,” she said.

I couldn’t have guessed that I’ll treat my former fiancée, Linda, the way I did because of Mimi. She had come from school to my house while I was at work, probably tipped off by one of my friends. A fight has ensured between Mimi and her. Linda was given the beating of her life and locked out of the house. I met her crying by the door steps when I arrived from work. For a moment, I was enraged at who had done that to her. I wanted to take her in my arms but in a twinkle of an eye, everything changed as soon as Mimi came out and looked me in the eye. I found myself shouting at Linda to leave my house. “Go away,” I shouted. “Love na by force? Don’t ever come here again. I hate you!”

Mimi and I began living together as husband and wife. It didn’t take long before I found out I had married a witch!

I started noticing strange things in my house after about three months of living with Mimi. I’ll wake up in the middle of the night and hear noises in the parlor. I’ll listen keenly and hear an owl hooting or a cat meowing, or both. Mimi would be sleeping so deeply like one drugged that I’ll fear she was dead. Every attempt to wake her would prove abortive. I’ll open all the doors and check every room but find nothing. The next morning, I’ll go to work and forget about what had happened.

One night, I woke up around 2 a.m. and Mimi was nowhere to be found. I checked everywhere for her. The cars were intact. The keys were all intact. She hadn’t gone out; else she would have left with her bunch of keys. I checked in the bathroom, in the kitchen, everywhere, but she wasn’t in any one of them. I stayed awake for over an hour contemplating what to do. Suddenly I became afraid. The room became cold. Then Mimi appeared like a phantom from nowhere, looking dazed like a somnambulist. That instant, I knew she wasn’t a normal woman. My suspicions increased rapidly. Mimi didn’t go to church. She didn’t pray at all and here she was, coming in like a ghost at 3:00am. I challenged her on where she went and Mimi got really furious.

“How dare you challenge me!” she shouted. “You have seen that which you shouldn’t see. You’ll regret it, you weak man!”

We quarreled till the next morning. We didn’t speak to each other for two days. On the third day, Mimi came to my office, looking irresistibly beautiful. We went out for lunch and made up. Things normalized between us. We resumed our life of fun, or was it pain? Everything would appear normal during the day but the night would bring nightmares. I’ll dream of someone touching me with a magic wand and turning me into a horse. Subsequently, a woman would emerge wearing a crown and ride me to a meeting with several others in attendance. I never could see their faces in my dreams. The next morning, I’ll be as weak as a starving man.

I began to have nightmares every time I dozed off. It was easy for me to doze because I hardly slept at night. My employers put up with my “sleeping sickness” for some time before sacking me. I began to appear like a walking corpse. My parents were worried that Mimi didn’t conceive or show any sign of having a child. Whenever any of my relatives visited, she made the house a hell for them and threatened to “show them pepper” if they didn’t leave.

My relatives went to different witch doctors who said I was bewitched. They said my wife was a queen of a witchcraft coven. They said she couldn’t have children because she had sacrificed them for powers. As for me, I was in danger, they said. Mimi had taken total control of me, physically and spiritually. I was her slave. My manhood was dead to all the ladies in the world, except her.

The day I arrived home from my sister’s house where I learnt the witch doctors’ appraisal of my condition, Mimi scowled at me with disapproval. Somehow, I felt like she knew what I‘d heard. When I arranged to have a baby from another woman, my manhood shriveled like a useless stump and failed to function. I felt disgraced. Several attempts yielded no positive results. At such periods, Mimi would laugh at me for being unfaithful. Sometimes, she beat me up silly -slapping, kicking and raining blows on me. I was a zombie. ‘Husband battering’ they call it, I believe.

Rather than enjoy my marriage, all I’ve done is endure it. When I lost my job, I became dependent on Mimi for everything. She sold food stuff in the market where her goods sold like magic powder.

All my friends tried to retrieve me from Mimi’s grip but without success. Unlike in most stories where friends desert each other, mine didn’t desert me. It was through their help and prayers that I got my freedom. They kidnapped me and had me chained for days and nights, praying and fasting. I gradually regained my senses and swore never to go back. The nightmares ceased. I was free. However, through my friends’ help, I got the courage to go back home.

Mimi was a ghost of her former self. I couldn’t recognize her. In just one week, she had emaciated and was looking like a scare-crow. She had begun to emit offensive odour. I couldn’t hide a smile. My tormentor was in torment. I would have loved her to die in the room but my friends prevailed on me and we took her to a hospital. Confessions poured out of her mouth. She confessed to killing many people and to committing every evil under the sun. She indeed used me as a horse at night. She confessed to feeding me portions that kept me controlled.

When the doctored demanded for a blood donor, I told him that no one I know would donate blood for her transfusion. It was her time to pay for her sins… and a time for me to rejoice. All I could do was to scream happily in secret: hurray! My wife is dying!

It is two years after Mimi died. I have no regrets rejoicing as she lay dying. Hate me if you want. I don’t care. 

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